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Joke of the Day

"Here's your social security card. It's paper & has to last you forever. Don't laminate it. Good luck asshole."

"Why do women get so upset when they miscarry? They just can't come to terms with it"

"""just great, I've lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse"" -A dinosaur, 66 million years ago"

"(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today's pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)"

"Says I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid."

"What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him? Shoots him 8 times in the black."

"Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature"

"What did the salesman at footlocker say to the customer? Shoes wisely"

"Did you fall from the sky? Not because you look like an angel but because your face looks like you fell from a really high place ;)."

"Talking about planets with my nephew. He asked if you could Plow thru Uranus because it's all gas"