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Joke of the Day

"[desert island diary - day 1] 4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait. 5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free"

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"Babe are you a new software update? Because not now."
"What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother ? A brother, because you can choose your friends."
"When I listen to Nirvana I want to blow my head off with the nearest shotgun."
"My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs. I said maybe."
"""We hug and kiss, but people just don't lick each other."" -yet another lie I just told my toddler"
"you're her boyfriend?! That's cool! I'm her manfriend!"
"I accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles My next dump could spell disaster"
"What's Mohammed, Moses and Noah's favourite dessert? Propheteroles"
"What did the pirate say after he pulled a steering wheel out of his pants? ""It's driving me nuts!"""