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Joke of the Day

"Just crushed my son in an epic game of Monopoly. His tears flooded Baltic Avenue."

"There's only one way to get a girl's heart... And that's through her rib cage"

"How do you get whole race to hate you? Blow up the finish line. (I figured 2 years was long enough)"

"How did the hipster burn his tongue? He took a sip of his coffee before it was cool."

"Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends. ""Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I'll be there."""

"This is how I tell if someone is paying attention. You were not :D"

"[death row] Okay Johnson, it's time. Any last requests? Pardon me? I said it's time, any lastah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one"

"I've lost all ability to feel... I'm numb.... I'm starting to slip away... I look forward to the empty, meaningless void Now pull the damn tooth, Doctor"

"So i had my first child... * Me: Oh my god! what are you doing?? * Doctor: What? im suppose to slap her in the ass after the birth, no? * Me: You suppose to slap the baby!!"

"I masturbated so good last night That i woke up to find my dick making breakfast"