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Joke of the Day

"This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. I was confused. I never met herbivore."

"*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children! Thank you, they came with the frame."

"If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead..."

"Charlie couldn't believe he was being allowed into the Chocolate Factory... ...his girlfriend had been dead against it for years!"

"Why is a bullet like a gay man? When it gets it in the ass, he blows his load!"

"It's a plant shaped like an egg. EGGPLANT! It's a place where we make fire. FIREPLACE! Diving in the sky. SKYDIVING! Humans are creative."

"All the guys in working out photos look like they're straining or in pain, but there's lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy."

"Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around teenagers."

"Oh, you want me to watch everything you have in less than the one-month free trial period? Challenge accepted, Netflix."

"What was the first reference to pole vaulting in the Bible? When Jesus cleared the temple."