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Joke of the Day

"How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I'll let you know if we can be friends."

"ME: I'd like to order...the updog. WAITER: How would u like that prepared? ME: um medium well? W: very good Me: oh god what have I just done"

"I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon."

"Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she."

"Two antennas got married The wedding wasn't great but the reception was amazing!"

"Why is Yoda afraid of 7? Because 9, 7 8."

"I'm a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off."

"What's the difference between Ellen Pao and a catfish? One's a scum sucking bottom feeder. The other's a catfish."

"Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene."

"What is Russia's favorite type of pasta? Putinesca"