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Joke of the Day

"Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish! Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all."

"Why couldn't Edward leave Russia? Because he was Snowden."

"Why do white people not like playing uno with mexicans? They take all the green cards"

"How to sleep: 1. Lay down 2. Dim lights 3. Dwell about literally every mistake you've made in your life for 6 hours 4. Rest for 9 minutes"

"A man goes to a zoo... ...But the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It was a Shih Tzu"

"If you're paddling a canoe up a river and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None, because ice cream doesn't have bones."

"TIFU by mixing up my sub order at subway. Whoops, wrong sub."

"What does the kid with no legs get for Christmas? Cancer."

"I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn't even know what year it is."

"I don't even bother filling out the ""From"" field on gift tags during Xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious."