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Joke of the Day

"""It just feels so good to have a clean apartment!"" - someone who's never killed a bear with a sword"

"""So, how's life in North Korea?"" ""Well, I can't complain!"""

"Don't go to the bathroom outside that shit's illegal"

"How do you spell anarchy? Any way you fucking want."

"Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity."

"Whenever I feel like I'm a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don't feel so bad"

"I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup. I'm going to have the best vowel movement."

"I ate the last piece of flan that my wife and I have been fighting over I won the custardy battle."

"When I asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me."

"I'm really good at wrapping presents. It's a gift."