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Joke of the Day

"""...until death do us part."" *looks at minister* ""What about a Walking Dead situation where she's a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?"""

"How can you help a starving cannibal? Give him a helping hand."

"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit."

"Why did the one-eyed pirate run his ship aground? He didn't have any depth perception"

"*writes employment history on arm *writes professional references on thigh *writes email address on neck *adds ""resume"" to resume"

"my wife's friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he's having a hard time even looking at me"

"Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down."

"You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb."

"i'm reading this thesaurus. it's really interesting, or should i say... very interesting."

"What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi? People from Dubai don't like the flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do"