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Joke of the Day

"Order by telephone only. A friend of mine went to buy a sim card. Turns out you need to call ahead to get one."

"What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus? Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on."

"Why was the skeleton using the Internet? To bone up on his schoolwork."

"Had sex with a deaf and blind paraplegic girl. Fucked her senseless."

"What's the difference between a statesman and a politician? A statesman is a dead politician. God knows we need more statesman."

"Just found out there is a whole series on Netflix about this year's election results. Orange is the new black."

"Me: What do you want for breakfast? 4yo: Bagel Me: *makes it 4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel"

"I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up"

"Marriage is like a deck of cards... In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."

"Why did god give women yeast infections? So they know what it is like to live with an irritating cunt. Zing!"