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Joke of the Day

"While I fully intended to ""sleep my way to the top,"" it appears I've napped my way to the middle."

"Who did the pirate lose his virginity to? His first mate."

"Our Faults ""Once a friend of mine and I agreed that it would be helpful for each of us to tell the other all our faults"" ""How did it work ?"" ""We haven't spoken for five years""."

"I'm not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new ""selfie sticks"" for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant"

"GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though."

"Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on."

"Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather. He won't be able to read it anyway."

"Who do fish listen to when they want to hear some dubstep? Krillex."

"My 2 year old woke up. 5 minutes of ""Mommy!"" 5 minutes of ""Mommy?"" Said ""Daddy?"" one time & my wife said, ""You should go check on her""."

"What do you call a man who cuts down trees? A tree feller."