213772

Joke of the Day

"An angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it will take her a week to pack for vacation? Women..."

"Dad to kid: ""Connor, eat your food!"" ""Eat your food!"" ""Eat your food!"" ""Eat your food!"" Me: *turns around, eats all of kid's food*"

"After working a construction site in the blistering heat all summer, it made me really miss my old gig. Because 7/11 was an inside job."

"Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a homicidal rapist."

"I can't do this. I think I'm dying. Why does your face look like a donut? ~ me 30 minutes into dieting"

"I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa did. and not screaming like the passengers in the backseat."

"Why did Jimmy get into a horrific car accident? He let God take the wheel Edit: *Jesus.* He let *Jesus* take the wheel"

"Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: Besides that."

"What is the best name for an acrobat? Phillip"

"What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque."