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Joke of the Day

"A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones."

"There is a big difference between ""friends"" and ""Facebook friends"""

"I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison."

"Cop: Know why I stopped you? You didn't, the brakes did. Cop: But do you know why? Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot? Cop: Get out."

"When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper ""You did this."""

"WAITER: Your honor, when I said ""enjoy your meal"" he said ""you too"" ME: it was a mistake JUDGE: he gets half your meal W: thanks J: you too"

"So passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best"

"I've never been booed off stage. I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage. In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP."

"Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist. No matter what you say, you're still wrong."

"I just found out that my blood type is B negative. That's the worst one. My day is ruined."