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Joke of the Day

"If video games have taught me anything, it's that you'll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss"

"My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh. If I put my ear on it I can smell the sea."

"A member of ISIS accidentally blew himself up... Well, Ji-had it coming."

"What's the difference between OP and Fed-Ex?"

"Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page set to star in a sci-fi adaptation of Colin Kaepernick's career. *Interception*"

"What does Britain and a dead pig have in common? Both have been fucked by David Cameron."

"Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER. Fish: [holding the cat's paw] Ignore himhe'll never understand love."

"The most maddening part of your parents giving you annoying advice is that they're usually right."

"I started a band called 999 megabytes 6 months ago. We still haven't got a single gig."

"60th birthday Last year my mother should have been celebrating her 60th birthday, but because of drugs, alcohol and many hard years of addition. we all forgot..."