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Joke of the Day

"DA: Where r my legal briefs? Paralegal *hands him his boxers* Judge: lol Jury: We're hung Judge: ha! DA: Balls in your court Judge: DO MORE!"

"Me on New Year's Day: 2016 is so going to be my year! (Morgan Freeman narration): 2016 would not, in fact, be anyone's year."

"Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I've seen him do some questionable shit. Don't ask."

"If you sleep with two prostitutes in one day... what is the first one called? a whore-derve"

"KIM JONG-UN: I'm banning sarcasm ME: well that's just great K: what? M: I reeeally hate sarcasm K: seize him...I think"

"They laughed at me when I said I will become a comedian Well...now they are not. Wait..."

"I discovered I have a fetish for figuring things out. (X-post /r/puns) I came to the realization."

"how can you tell if you have amnesia? what was the question?"

"if two tanker trucks collide at an intersection, one is carrying water, the other is carrying vinegar, what sound do they make? DOUCHE!!!!"

"What do you call a badly cooked beef? A misteak."