211995

Joke of the Day

"Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I've seen him do some questionable shit. Don't ask."

"Being a feminist is like practicing extreme sports Not taking good care of yourself and then bragging about how brave you are."

"If a lobsters come in on lobster boats, and clams come in on clam boats, what do crabs come in on? The captain's dinghy."

"Westminster Dog Show If a poor dog ever wins the Westminster Dog Show I hope at least one announcer calls it a Wags to Riches Story..."

"In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs."

"A step-by-step guide on how to parallel park! 1) Park somewhere else."

"On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted... ...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator)."

"Another normal evening Cook food - 30 minutes Eat it - 5 minutes Check Facebook - 1 minute Check Twitter - 8 hours"

"Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans."

"A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments. I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar."