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Joke of the Day

"Once you understand they're unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense."

"When I'm drunk, I'm like South Park I'm crude and offends everyone"

"When life hands you melons, make sure you squeeze them fast before you get slapped."

"There's an website you can use to see if your family is racist. It's called Facebook"

"WIFE: You overreact to everything! ME: [phones police]"

"I feel like if Joe Biden and Kanye West were involved in a Freaky Friday scenario no one would notice for months."

"I believe what politicians say about as much as I believe the person who says, ""I never got that text."""

"How do ghosts become friends? They bond over boos. I made this up while sleep-deprived last night. I am sorry."

"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his butt."

"Girl is asked by her teacher in class to use handsome in a sentence. (She pauses to think) Girl: Sometimes when I'm giving my bf a blowjob, my mouth gets tired... so then I use my *handsome*."