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Joke of the Day

"*falls down* Mom: What was that? Me: My shirt fell Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt Me: I was in it"

"I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes. It was probably over a stolen tweet."

"Bernie Sanders isn't a Messiah. He's just a Jewish guy sacrificing himself to save millions from their own sin and ignorance while being insulted the entire time. Clearly no basis for a religion."

"A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu."

"Remember ladies: when a guy says ""I'm listening"" what he means is ""I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd of been unstoppable""."

"Home early. Wife : ""Why are u home so early?"" Hubby : ""My boss said go to hell!"""

"Remember, if you get dumped, it's only because they're looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you."

"I just found out how babies are made. Gross!"

"I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn't get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door."

"what's the deal with ""airplane food?"" newsflash, jerry: it's called jet fuel."