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Joke of the Day

"[baby is bouncing in swing seat] I I wish I had one of those. HER DAD They bring great joy. I (to self) Oh, he thinks I mean a baby."

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"What do you call a symphony of whales? An orcastra"
"iPhone's from the future. 2016: iPhone 7=no headphone jack 2017: iPhone 8=no battery 2018: iPhone 9=no screen 2019: iPhone 10=no phone at all, just pay Apple $1000"
"Guaranteed best way way for anyone to catch a Bird.(pour salt on it) Because If you pour salt on it, your close enough to just pick it up."
"My lizards won't mate... Must be a reptile dysfunction."
"Your an idiot. -You're. What? -You're not your. But I said it. I didn't type it. We're talking. -Yeah but I heard the typo. You're an idiot."
"The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today Now you can legally blow the cartridges."
"[hears a baby crying on the train] Can somebody put that thing on silence please? ""It's a baby.."" ... ""..."" Vibrate?"
"Shout out to my arms They're always by my side"
"I'm really tired all the time, I think I have stereo... It's like I have mono times two"