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Joke of the Day

"step 1. log onto instagram step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. ""SmithWedding2014"" step 3. use hashtag step 4. post pictures of yaks"

"I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it 'cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race."

"""Better to be pissed off than pissed on!"" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I'm not angry or covered in piss."

"What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two and now it's offensive to talk about."

"I like talking to bartenders because they can't go anywhere."

"If your wife says ""what would you do without me?"" ""Live happily ever after"" is NOT the correct answer. Brrrr it's cold in this doghouse :("

"Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? Dracula's dentist."

"Why did the guitarist get arrested? He was arrested for fingering a minor"

"Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Because they're two tired!"

"I brought my gimp home from the club yesterday and took off his mask... Oops, wrong sub!"