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Joke of the Day

"step 1. log onto instagram step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. ""SmithWedding2014"" step 3. use hashtag step 4. post pictures of yaks"

"*jumps from plane* *forgets parachute* *grabs onto flying squirrel* *lives to tell the tale*"

"I sealed a fart in a jar for my wife to open because I know how to romance a lady."

"Young mom: My baby is 34 months Me: Oh really I'm 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit"

"I'm doing market research for a telescope manufacturer, I run the focus group."

"The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet."

"i went into the bar and ordered a Whiskey Osama... the batender asked ""what's that?"" i answered ""Two shots and a splash of water."""

"I see you as a glass half full you need me to fill you up"

"What is the difference between a priest and a zit? A zit wait to come on your face till your 13"

"Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon? Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs."