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Joke of the Day

"*Wife walks in, the house is trashed* ""OMG..we've been burgled"" *I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear* HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?"

"The fact that you can feel sad, then listen to a song and feel better proves that feelings are stupid."

"Last week I ordered a vault and some speakers Today they arrived, safe and sound."

"[chiropractor] Dr., your client Tony is here -Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap Yes -Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule"

"I got lost.. Walking around your fat mother"

"I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner's life. I'm still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed."

"You should really buy stock in K-Y Jelly It can only go up."

"I'm not sure what post it was that caused me to lose 2 more Facebook friends today, but if I find out which one it was I will make sure to post it again...."

"People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?"

"This poor old lady slipped and fell on the ice today..... at least I think she was poor she only had 75 cents in her purse."