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Joke of the Day

"Waitresses/waiters of reddit... When you got interviewed for the position, did you tell them that you bring a lot to the table?"

"This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]"

"What do you call a broken vibrator? A dildon't"

"Blind people should not skydive. It scares the crap out of their dogs."

"While getting thrown in jail, my grandma's pacemaker failed. I guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest for battery."

"Why did my Geoligist wife divorce me? She kept on saying that everything I said was complete bullschist"

"Knock Knock Who's there? To To who? To *whom.*"

"All I'm saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying ""We need to talk"""

"After watching all of M. Night Shyamalan's movies I realized the biggest twist... ...his career has been dead the whole time."

"[Cops at crime scene] Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet. Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on."