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Joke of the Day

"A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase. I don't think hes alright now."

"I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.."

"Q: What kind of spy hangs out in department stores? A: A counter spy."

"Hey, ladies, if you look like a snake swallowed a rib cage you're too skinny."

"Fun prank: brand your boss with the mark of the beast so he becomes a mindless demon slave wandering the earth killing in the name of Satan"

"Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!"

"I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas. I didn't cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for."

"""I am not a human garbage disposal"" *eats leftover mac n cheese anyway* *makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*"

"An original joke about Mathew and Not-Mathew. Me:Mathew and Not-Mathew were on a boat. Mathew fell off the boat. Who was left? You:Not-Mathew. Me:Yeah Mathew was the one who fell out. Idiot."

"Doctor: i'd like you to step on the scale. Me: You first, pal."