211045

Joke of the Day

"Me: I can't believe that they're still together after all the shit they have been through! Friend: Who? Me: My ass cheeks. I've got a bad case of diarrhea!"

"Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves But I don't like to point fingers"

"My atheist friend let out a sneeze... ""Damn you,"" I responded."

"why didn't the cannibal want to be late to dinner? Because he didn't want to get the cold shoulder."

"Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers."

"ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf. HER: *giggling* So, my place or... ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers* HER: WHAT THE"

"I'd rather look back at my life and say ""I can't believe I did that"" instead of saying,. ""I wish I did that."""

"I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that's totally fine, and science shouldn't stop her."

"I didn't quit my job today I wanted to quit, but they threatened to fire me"

"Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision."