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Joke of the Day

"i tried to ignore my girlfriend's bulimia but she kept bringing it back up"

"You know, not all Italians are in the mafia. Some are in the Witness Protection Program."

"Why couldn't the life guard save the drowning hippie? Because he was too far out man."

"""Wow, that's great!"" ~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn't just tell me your Grandma died."

"So I bought some shoes from a guy on the street... Anyways he turned out to be a drug dealer, and I'm not sure what they were laced with but I just keep trippin'."

"Money can't buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N' Slide. So you do the math."

"My girlfriend said she was leaving me because I never pay attention ...or something like that... I wasn't really listening."

"I told my therapist what you said and she's gonna call your therapist and you're in big trouble"

"Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed."

"What has 72 teeth and holds back the hulk? My zipper."