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Joke of the Day
"Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog."
Next Joke
"[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don't laugh* 2 parts baking soda"
"We need to get into the fertilizer industry... I hear business is booming."
"What's a pirates favorite letter? R, C, I and P are all pretty much equal"
"What famous American filmmaker lived in a safe? Vault Disney"
"Do they really serve burgers in Transylvania? Very rare-ly."
"I'm finally going to do something about my alcoholism I'm going to pour out all the booze in my house. One shot at a time."
"What does a man eat when he cannot run off with his girlfriend? Cantaloupe"
"He who hesitates is boss."
"Please take a moment to envision the movie ""Drive,"" but with him only using Zipcars."