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Joke of the Day
"My friend Oscar met Leonardo DiCaprio and told him a joke. He didn't get it."
Next Joke
"""Oh, this one? It's an excuse to tell a story about my life that only I think is interesting"" - literally all tattoos"
"I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I'm 40. I'm not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit."
"That new film, The Finest Hours, looks really good the plot looks very submerging"
"I wouldn't say I never exercise. Occasionally, my nose runs."
"What is orange and sounds like a parrot ? A carrot"
"When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen."
"What did the elephant say that was pulled out of a mud pit by the balls? Thank you Mrs. Ball, thank you Mr. Ball. It should be assumed I saw myself out."
"Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like ""How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?"" Now, I tweet them"
"Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading."