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Joke of the Day

"Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like ""How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?"" Now, I tweet them"

"I wanna get HAMMERED tonight. Seriously? Yeah, drunk as hell, bro. Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*"

"I went to a vegetarian restaurant I went to an all you can eat vegetarian restaurant the other day and there was this girl who said she knew me but I swear I never seen herbivore."

"BREAKING NEWS! Lorena Bobbitt involved in a road rage incident. She cut off some dick in traffic."

"Biggest joke on the planet. Real Madrid"

"What did Rudolph the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh you."

"Would you like to hear a good joke about Jonestown Massacre? Nah, nevermind, the punchline is too long."

"TEACHER: ""Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"" JOHNNY: ""Sir my Mother and Father got married on the same day same time."""

"Did I tell you I bought a sports car? It wasn't very good though, I beat it in every sport I played against it"

"If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins."