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Joke of the Day

"Wow! This whole being up early is neat; it's like daytime but sooner! Huh! The birds... they sound, you know, pretty! It's all a bit scary."

"I wrote a poem today! Half of it is true. The other half is just a bunch of lies to make it rhyme."

"[flashback to 1st date] *cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn Me: Popcorn? Her: No thanks. (Mom reaches from row behind) ""I'll have some."""

"When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes a groan-up."

"If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?"

"I can't imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I'm Canadian and I'm chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose."

"I saw my friend chopping up onions I couldn't stop crying ever since. Onions was such a good friend of mine."

"HER: I hate you ME: Hate is such a strong word [cut to hate benching 300 lbs] HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever"

"What's the most important part of a joke, the setup or the punchline? To get to the other side."

"Mickey Mouse divorces Minnie Mouse ""Mickey Mouse, it says here that you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she was.... extremely silly? ""No, I said she was fucking goofy."""