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Joke of the Day

"Just hired a cat sitter to sit on my cat."

"When I die, I'm donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they're not into it"

"How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Juan"

"I've heard they are re-casting Two and a Half Men with 5 midgets."

"When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I'm a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner."

"Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections? Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people."

"Why did the stoner take his wife to court? He wanted to get joint custody."

"I just poured my root beer into a square cup. Now all I have is beer..."

"What does Uncle Vernon from Harry Potter not do on Reddit? Post on Sundays."

"please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,"