20805
Joke of the Day
"Cop : HANDS IN THE AIR! Me: *drunk, starts flailing arms* Cop: NO, NOT LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE"
Next Joke
"What's the current number one song in Russia? Crimea river"
"Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die."
"I got done for shoplifting today. I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked 7 up."
"in high school i dated a girl that pronounced the L in Salmon. last i heard of her she was doing meth"
"Why couldn't the two melons get married? Because they cantaloupe! I'll see myself out now..."
"How does a chef relax? He beats his meat"
"Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family."
"I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. But i realised a sit-down comedian was more comfortable."
"Pooh: There's a rumbly in my tumbly Piglet: What? Pooh: There's. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly Piglet: Pooh: I'm hungry Piglet: Say that then"