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Joke of the Day

"[lunch break] Gf: I have 30min Me: you thinking what im thinking? Gf: oh yea *starts undressing Me: *googles closest laser tag location"

"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, as long as there's a bed inside."

"How can you tell if a Mobile software developer isn't enjoying his job? He isn't very App-y"

"What do you call a space alien in a hoodie? Treyvon Martian"

"After a rough night, I woke up one morning and thought I should join Alcoholics Anonymous... I changed my mind though, because I am NOT a quitter."

"And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure. Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids."

"I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they're trying to catch her."

"NSFW Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit... One fly farts. The other fly says, ""Do you mind? I'm eating."""

"How do you get half of Mexico to jump off a cliff? Throw a penny off. How do you get the other half to jump too? ... Tell them no one found it yet."

"I met Mike Tyson and he had his tiger with him. I said, ""Wow! I can't believe you actually have a tiger! I thought that was a myth."" He said, ""Well you were mythtaken."""