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Joke of the Day

"""I could eat."" - How I answer most questions, even if they're not food-related."

"""I love the fall!"" - girls who are happy they don't have to suck in their stomach in pictures anymore"

"I figured out why there are so many masturbation-related injuries that's when all the guardian angels cover their eyes"

"They say cow manure come from males. But that's bullshit."

"I guess Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift couldn't keep their relationship... Loki."

"If the 2008 election was about Hope and Change, what is 2016? Fear and Loathing."

"1. Hide babies all over house. 2. If a kid asks, ""Where do babies come from?"" laugh, ""Where DON'T they come from!"" and open every cabinet."

"I always said I'd never chase after a man, but the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking after one."

"I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. ...Or maybe she said ""a tent of lovers."" I wasn't really listening..."

"Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun. Unless they have a gun."