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Joke of the Day

"Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you're about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you"

"How many lonely guys does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But he wishes it took two."

"Girl's are like blackjack I'm always hoping for 21 but I keep hitting on 14."

"""dad mom wont tell me where babies come from"" *dad slams newspaper down* DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS *clenches fists* WHY WONT SHE TELL US"

"How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now."

"UFC 207 Not the first time I've paid $60 for 48 seconds of disappointment"

"My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road."

"If you throw a ping pong ball in the air, no less than 45 Chinese people will materialize to catch it & start a tournament."

"Me: Would you remarry if I died? Wife: Yes. Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile? Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?"

"Danger is my middle name. Avoid is my first, and Completely is my last. Nice to meet you."