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Joke of the Day

"My shower has two settings: -Freezing Cold -The Ending of Terminator 2"

"I once donated a pint of blood and the doctors were quite greatful. They said it contained enough alcohol to sterilize their equipment."

"What do you call an elf who lost all his toys? Legolas"

"What is the difference between Kanye West and God? God doesn't think that He's Kanye."

"Them: We're concerned about you. We think you're a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee] Me: No thanks. I'm trying not to eat between males"

"I live life by 3 rules: 1- Get ripped. 2- Stay ripped. 3- Live in denial so that life is bearable."

"Selfies? In my day we stared in a mirror and then felt ashamed."

"Why can't Oedipus swear? Because he kisses his mother with that mouth."

"What would be the worst meal for a football wife? OJ and Rice"

"The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired."