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Joke of the Day

"ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!"

"*Jesus drinking at a bar* *jesus orders another drink* ""jesus you're too drunk I can't give you anymore"" Kan I jst haev a water? ""nice try"""

"Anyone still keeping up with their New Year's resolutions? I am... Still 1080p"

"I think when shit hits the fan you really should rethink why and where you have that fan."

"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose"

"Was gonna' make a long joke about gastrointestinal problems but, I digest."

"MISSED CONNECTION: I was the customer. You were the cable guy. You said you'd be here by 5 but you never came you piece of shit I'm gonna fi"

"What are your thoughts on new soup technology? I say Progresso at any cost."

"Girls are like Blackjack.. I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14."

"8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight? Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week. 8: What? Me: Nothing. 8: I'm telling mom."