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Joke of the Day

"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

"They should probably have a feature that disables liking horrible statuses on Facebook. Last week 14 people liked that my friend's mom died. I mean, I know she was a bitch, but still."

"Butterflies (by Kevin L. Schwartz) All these years later and you still give me butterflies. It's crazy. I told you a decade ago I quit collecting."

"What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room? You washer and dryer."

"Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird? Tequila, I'm looking at you."

"7 out of 10 people believe in Life after death. The other 3 don't even like cereal."

"If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza."

"Which weighs more, a tonne of feathers or a tonne of bricks? The tonne of feathers, because not only do you carry the feathers, you have to carry the burden of what you did to those poor birds."

"How many Firefly fans disc it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The just stand around for years bitching about how it went out. EDIT: does not disc."

"Why doesn't Justin Bieber shop at 'Sporting Goods?' Because he likes Dick's better."