204019

Joke of the Day

"what do you get when you put a roofie in lemonade? Lemonlaid."

"Dropping your keys standing over a grate and them not going through is God reminding you that he could fucking kill you if he felt like it."

"I'm at an age where I don't spring into action. I dead of winter into action."

"Is athlete's foot [gulp] fatal, doc? ""Not with the proper treatment."" *gives foot $56M 7-year contract*"

"Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can't eat this! Him: Does it matter that much? Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?"

"I left my phone by my side while I was sleeping with an app to ""ding"" every time it recognizes a person that looks like me It ""dinged"" all night."

"How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate it's tit a lot"

"""Mos Def"" is my favorite rapper named after a girl who doesn't actually plan on hanging out with you."

"I'm so happy I finally tied the knot. Now I've just got to kick the chair she's standing on and I'm a free man!"

"I want to start body building. I just need to find out where hospitals put the cadavers."