203907

Joke of the Day

"I can't find my lucky sweatpants. Now I'm going to totally bomb this job interview."

"What's the difference between a quid and a pound? I can't quid my dick into your mom."

"You tell me to ""walk a mile in your shoes"" but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind."

"OMG, I have finally discovered what is wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right, and on the right side there is nothing left ...... intresting"

"Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins \-Son, leave the room please. \-Dad, but I'm 23... \-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off."

"Have you heard about the guy who reanimated the dead? He made Mary Shelly roll over in her grave."

"Why can't T-Rexes clap? Because they're extinct."

"Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?? Because when she gets to 69 she has a Frog in her throat."

"Okay you guys, I'm gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back."

"getting my loan approved at the bank by lying on my back and executing a series of flawless air kicks right there in the lobbby"