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Joke of the Day

"Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike."

"You had me until the final shot, local commercial. An employee in the back row didn't wave hard enough. No sale."

"Don't be sexist. It's just wrong. And being wrong is for women."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually a talented composer with a love for classical music! His newest album is titled, ""I'll Be Bach."""

"Q: How old is Tyrion Lannister? A: Peter Dinkl-age"

"*pizza man crashes his car into a house and flies through the windscreen and smashes into TV* ""yo you order pizza?"" *they didn't*"

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because your face is UUUUUUGLY!"

"Pretty awesome that we have a black President. Maybe one day we'll even have a President named Sean."

"I don't know what all this fuss is about Same Sex Marriage! Me and my wife have been having the same sex for 21yrs! It's boring but it isn't worth getting all upset over!!!"

"*at the confessional Priest: .'..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?' Me: 'You mean, like, ever?'"