203323

Joke of the Day

"[INT. STARBUCKS - DAY] Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom Barista: ? Me: A large rat Barista: ? Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM"

"Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once."

"A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers."

"I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I'M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!"

"Jeopardy gum If Jeopardy! champion Arthur Chu started a candy company, the gum would have a locomotive on the wrapper, and would be called - get this - Chu Chew!"

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"Someone should invent padded underwear for men to get back at women for wearing pushup bras"

"My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet. Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age...or I dress like a tween."

"How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb ? 1 or 2 ? 1... or 2..."

"BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama's decision to skip breakfast."