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Joke of the Day

"If you want to know how many hours your mom was in labor with you, tell her you won't be able to come over & visit."

"You really shouldn't anthropomorphize in animate objects. They really don't like it."

"Why did the calculus students get arrested? For drinking and deriving."

"After sex last night... ...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, ""You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had"". Apparently ""Ditto"" is not the right response."

"Shouldn't russia have the mos dairy? Cause you know, They have the moscow? Sorry for the cheesy joke :/"

"I just tried to type ""cop car"" but it autocorrected to ""cop cat"" and boom I just came up with the title of a new hit detective show."

"""Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today."" -the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now"

"Do you know the difference between mono and herpes? You get mono from snatching a kiss, but you get herpes from kissing a snatch."

"I've decided to delete my Twitter. I keep feeling that people are following me."

"What was the first profession to go all digital? Proctology."