201256

Joke of the Day

"""If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, if I act like I'm asleep he'll leave"" - Me getting pulled over"

"And the Lord said unto John, '.... come forth and ye shall receive eternal life.' But John came fifth and won a toaster."

"How many /r/twoxchromosomes posters does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and the other 9 to provide emotional support."

"Don't exercise so you can live longer. Exercise so when you're about to die you can think, ""at least I don't have to exercise anymore""."

"[types symptoms into WebMD] WebMD: Eww. Gross."

"Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts? Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers"

"""Do you need help with your math homework Billy?"" ""Yeah I sure do Dad!"" ""Well you're shit out of luck"""

"What number is most common in earth sciences? e"

"Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his ""carpenter"" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds."