200730

Joke of the Day

"I wish I could unhinge my jaw so when the dentist says ""open wide,"" I could really wow him."

"So have you heard about the mass immigration problem ALDI has been having? They even got a new slogan: Do work or ALDI port ya"

"There are two kinds of countries in this world. Those who use the metric system. And those who have landed a man on the moon."

"How far can you run into the woods? Halfway, any further and you're running out."

"Nurse walking down a hallway reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer... She says, ""Great, some asshole's got my pen."""

"Me: *texts* How'd you sleep? Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING."

"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be silly. Feminists can't change anything!"

"My friends cat just ran across his banjo and was immediately sued by Mumford and Sons."

"My walk of shame is when i'm going home from an Adam Sandler movie."

"Why don't orphans play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them."