199867

Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a politician and a bucket of shit? The bucket."

"Hey check out this new candle I got. -Sweet. What flavor is it? I think you mean 'what scent is it?' *with a mouthful of candle wax* -What?"

"Have I been shadow banned? Nevermind, turns out my comments just suck."

"Terry Schiavo's husband might have kept her alive if he was a vegan. Then he would have an all he can eat vegetable."

"What if a side effect to laxatives was death? That'd be a shitty way to die."

"Different religions can be really strict about adherence to their principles. I hate anal sects."

"[On couch, notices it's 6pm] Luckily I don't have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8. *Notices it's February* OH SHIT"

"Jesus killed the dinosaurs because he was tired of their bullshit."

"So I ordered some General Pao chicken They gave me a bowl of false promises."

"When I was 18 I got Coal from Santa Yup, raising Cole as a single mom was a punishment for being bad, I guess."