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Joke of the Day

"person: can you keep a secret? me: I'll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life person: oh thank god"

"Read in Richard Pryors voice... The other day I had to take a shit so bad... The shit came out and said DAMMMMMNNN I gotta take a shit!"

"The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is ""We're going for a break now, we'll be back later""."

"What are the four food groups? For bachelors: Fast Frozen Junk and Spoiled. For drinkers: Malt Hops Barley and Yeast. For heavies: Caffeine Fat Sugar Chocolate."

"There's a new movie coming out about people who take a long time to orgasm... It hasn't released yet."

"Autocorrect sucks Amorites guys?"

"Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome. I really didn't like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it."

"What is the difference between paint and a midgets' underpants? When you sniff paint, you get high"

"Fucking cows... ...wouldn't recommend it."

"I've yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system."