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Joke of the Day

"It's sad old people won't live to see time travel, because how bad do they want to find the jerk who carpeted over this beautiful hardwood?"

"What do Viagra and Disney World have in common? A one-hour wait for a two-minute ride"

"My anniversary is coming up Friday is my anniversary, I'll have been married for 35 years. Really it only 5 years, but I count in dog years because my wife is such a bitch."

"Me: Girls' night in!!! Cat: I'm a cat. Me: You're my best friend. Cat: I'm not even a girl cat. Me: So it's like a date? Cat: Get help."

"How much money do terrible movies make? Ridley Scott. Thank you."

"What do you call a tick on the moon? A lunatic."

"What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov? I'm putin' that guy to sleep"

"At first I didn't like my new haircut but it slowly grew on me."

"When do you REALLY know you need to break up with you GF? When she starts winning arguments with you inner-voice."

"What's worse than eating out your grandmother? Banging your head on the coffin lid."