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Joke of the Day

"ME: It would ring, and we would... Answer it. TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS? ME *staring into the distance* We never did..."

"""evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window"" - me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted"

"How many girlfriends have you had before me? She asked casually, as she sat on the edge of my bed pretending to be interested in my Warhammer catalogue. Fucking stupid question."

"Why did the mom cry as her baby Richard became older? Her little Dick was growing."

"Sometimes I use big words I don't understand to make myself look more photosynthesis"

"Remember when we were all like ""FACEBOOK MOVIE WITH JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?!'"

"A man and a woman get into a lift Man says to woman ""Can I smell your feet?"" ""No!"" the woman says in disgust ""Must be your vagina then!"" replies the man."

"What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again."

"Sometimes, When I Think Of My Books... I touch my shelf."

"What did Matthew McConaughey say when he saw this year's Oscar nominees? All white, all white, all whiiiiiiiite..."