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Joke of the Day

"Magic words that make my children disappear: 3) Bath time 2) Who did this?! 1) When I was your age..."

"There's plenty of fish in the sea(fixed) But until I find one I'm just stuck holding my rod"

"A fascist walks into a bar.. he orders 1 strong liter."

"[no spoiler] Why is the BB unit droid not hungry? Because BB-8"

"Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine."

"Don't let your dreams be dreams! -Plato, in discussion on , the Greek goddess of victory"

"What can I get you to drink? ""Pepsi"" Is Peps- Uh one moment please [In kitchen, to manager] I don't know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?"

"What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire? Patme! Patme! Credit to my wife on this one"

"2016 is almost coming to an end Surprise MFs. I have a leap second added to me."

"Piss me off in the grocery store and I'll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check."