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Joke of the Day

"Piss me off in the grocery store and I'll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check."

"Two Sausages are Frying in a Pan... ...And one of them says to the other, 'Fuck me, it's hot in here!', to which the other replies 'FUCK ME, *A TALKIN' SAUSAGE!!!*'"

"My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons. At least that's what I had to tell child services just now."

"My girlfriend. ..probably tells me a lot that I don't listen to her."

"My uncle died from a turtle stampede. It was a slow death."

"[speed dating] DATE: ding ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth DATE: no ME: we have 4 minutes left DATE: *louder this time* ding"

"What's the difference between a religion and a cult? The number of followers"

"How do you play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? When your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, take two shots."

"People say drinking milk makes you stronger. I drunk 5 glasses of milk and tried to move a wall. It didn't work. Then, I drank 5 glasses of vodka and the wall moved alone!!"

"The past, the present and the future walk into a bar... It was tense."