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Joke of the Day
"I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people. It's a lot to digest"
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"How to spot a douchebag in the gym? Really bad so he hurts himself."
"Why don't nice people ride the train? Because they're usually found on trucks."
"What do you call a monkey holding a stick of dynamite? A Baboom!"
"Twitter is an amazing source of useful information, the way a haystack is an amazing source of needles."
"Wanna hear a knock knock joke? Two men walk into a bar. (credit to my friend who has no Reddit account)"
"Two guys walk in to a Bar First Guy orders an H2O. The Other Guy orders H2O too. The Other Guy dies."
"[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you"
"What kind of fish has two knees? A tunee fish."
"[first date] ""So, I heard you work at the circus."" [shallows bread stick whole] Nope. ""You sure about that?"" [chewing on glass] Yup"